Have I ever mentioned how much I detest starlings?
I loathe them.
As a very amateur bird enthusiast, I know just how devastating these devils with wings are to native species. They eat the eggs of other birds! Need I say more.
So, it was with some disappointment that I realized the woman living across the street from me is a fanatic for this loud, abrasive bird. This is the same lady who takes in dozens of stray cats.
You can imagine my chagrin … and heart-pounding surprise … when I caught sight of a starling in my drapes this evening!!!
That’s right: a speckled, squinty-eyed, cocky starling right in my living room.
I only keep one window open (by a fraction), and that’s at the back of the house. The entry point for my cat, Ciao Ciao.
Sure enough, a survey of my house indicated a tussle between starling and cat. Especially the cloud of bird feathers on my bedroom floor (eww!!).
Ciao Ciao has done it again. But not only did he bring in a bird, he brought in a starling. And not only did he bring in a starling, he didn’t even have the kindness to end it’s verminous little life.
And so I had a crash course in how to rid a house of a larger-sized bird with just enough intelligence to become a real nuisance.
1. Call boyfriend for moral support.
2. Try to open the living room window (you’ll recall it is in the drapes).
3. Remove troublesome window apparatuses that stop burglars and bugs.
4. Take broom handle and gently shoo starling. Try not to squeal as it flies across the room onto your bookshelf.
5. Take broom handle and hope gentle shooing will guide it back towards the open window. Try not to scream as it flies into the kitchen and onto your kitchen counter.
6. Call boyfriend for more moral support.
7. Arm self with towel and empty, plastic planter. Then toss tea towel at the starling in the hopes it will cover the bird and make it stop moving.
8. Don’t panic when it start flying back and forth across the kitchen with it’s broken leg askew.
9. When it lands in the sink throw planter over the bird, and the water-filled can of Campbell’s soup.
10. Now what? Don’t call boyfriend, he’s getting annoyed.
11. Slowly, slowly, slowly slip a piece of flexible, but thick paper under the bird, the soup can and the planter. Do not freak out when the bird’s wings poke out, nor its beak.
12. If you have difficulty lifting the paper, bird and planter in a secure manner, do not hesitate to use hockey tape to fasten the edges of the paper to the planter.
13. Run your humane starling-trap outside (who cares if it’s raining and you’re in socks!) and tear the hockey tape away.
14. Watch with satisfaction as your starling with the broken leg flies back into the yard of the woman across the street.
15. Wash your hands three times and call your boyfriend back. You’ve earned it, sister!
~ c
